My exams were scheduled and I have only 1 day left. I realized that there are subjects that I havent gone through even once. I didnt attend even a single class. I didnt open a single page of my text books. I was worried but not preferring to express. I never experienced failing exam. I felt this is the time when it will be happening. I however had confidence that by end of the day I will cover good enough to pass the exam. I started reading the fat books. Not even one line is familiar to me and nothing was going to my head. My worry was going to the peaks.......
I woke up and realized it is a dream and perhaps a night mare.
I have exams. Today I need to write Social Studies paper. This is the subject I hated all the time. Because I was never convinced on what is the value add. What do I gain if I remeber when waterloo battle happened? Why should I know where Mahatma Gandhi studied and when? Why should I know about Harappa and Mohanjudar remains when they are no longer there? But I have to pass the exam and score well. I was walking to the school at 2 PM. My friend was coming in the opposite direction. I asked him on where is he going a few minutes before the exam. Before I finished, he asked me on how did I do the exam. I was wondering what was he asking. In next couple of minutes of conversation I realized that the exam was actually scheduled in the morning all others completed and returning. My heart is stopped and I didnt know what to do. As I didnt even give the exam, I am failed!!! How can I digest that........
I ofcourse woke up and it was another nightmare. It still took long time for me to understand I dont need to give any exams and I am already working.
A variant of the above dream is when I come to know that I prepared for a wrong subject when the exam was for another one. Once again my heart stops and I realize it is only a dream.
I was not attending the classes of one subject and I already reached the last few days of the course. To manage my attendance, I somehow went in to the crowd (my class size is 150) to join the last couple of classes. But my teacher saw me and called me. He asked me what were I doing all these days and why I didnt attend even a single class. I was unable utter even a single word. My throat is dry. My body is full of sweat. ...
It was a dream
All these bad dreams keep coming to me even today. Now a few more are added. I am driving but felt so sleepy that I am unable to see with almost closed eyes. My car is going at high speed and I am unable to slow down. Cant apply breaks. My body was just not helping. So far nothing happened but anytime I may hit some one and he or she may die. But I was not able to do anything except worrying till I woke up from the dream.
I tried to analyze but could not understand what is all going on.
My father used to say this is what is stress. He gave an example. When I record a good song, a dog might be barking and whenever I hear the son, I need to hear the barking as well. and we cant takeout the barking from the recorded song. this happens when certain impactful stress is in our minds.
I think I have a biggest fear of failure. I dont know if it helps me now. But it helped me in childhood.
I never wanted to fail. Even in small games I want to win. In NTPC, for all Non Hindi speaking communities, Hindi test was conducted and I passed with the top most score. It was not going to do anything to me and it was just a formality. But I wanted to do well there as well. In carrom board, I do such a planning to win, that my partner used to be irritated.
Now it is changed to a level that I started giving up for my team. If my team succeeds it is my success. I see some leaders who compete with their teams to take the credit that they are managing everything irrespective of their team not doing anything. If they try to prove it and if others believe it, I will say both are mads. No one individually can succeed. A leader is as strong or weak as his / her team. It took time for me to realize but since than I am (means my team) successful.
